A Writer’s Drive
I often ask myself why I feel the need to write and share my thoughts with the world – especially after I’ve been called narcissistic and cowardly for doing so. It’s true, someone actually said that to me. ¡Mierda!
A few of you have also asked me why I write, so in case you’re interested, I have an answer. It’s very simple: it can be no other way.
Writing is my art. The keyboard, my paintbrush; the punctuation, my brushstroke.
Tara Gaffney
Some people say what’s on their mind. I write what’s on my mind. I would say it out loud too if given the opportunity, but not all conversations are possible – therefore, I write. I don’t write for approval or sympathy. I write because I have to get these thoughts out of my head.
Interestingly enough, I don’t rely on having a lot of readers, although I know that kinda misses the point. I would like to have a few readers, of course, but if only a few of you care to hear what I have to say, I’m okay with that. I like to think I’m helping a handful of people – and a handful is all it takes to create change, right?
Recourse
I’m trying to inspire change with my blog and to calm my overactive brain. My motivation also includes self-expression and I admit, a little recourse. Yes, I said recourse.
At some point during my life, I lost the ability to be happy, independent of the happiness of others. I don’t know if I was born a pleaser or if it developed as a result of my childhood, but my marriage perpetuated and escalated that good-for-nothing quality of mine. The toxic mix of my personality with his, placed me directly and firmly under the thumb.
Some days, I still find myself there, so this blog helps me feel free from manipulation and oppression. It is my recourse to the world. Contrary to what you might think, I don’t publish everything I write. I filter some things to protect my kids, myself and yes, my ex. But even if I don’t publish all of the nasty, juicy and downright insulting posts I write, I feel empowered and a sense of relief just knowing they are somewhere outside of my mind.
Having Vulnerability
My childhood had some challenges, that’s for sure, but it also had some valuable lessons. One of them is that conversation is important. I write to show my kids that it’s okay to be vulnerable and to share your feelings. And I write to inspire conversation for you, the reader. Even if you’re criticizing me or wondering what the hell I’m doing, at least I’m creating conversation, right?
I write in first person, except when I’m trying to be funny or trying to pretend that I know what I’m talking about – because I’m no expert on any of this shit. My angle is to share my story with the hope that it will inspire you to share your story. And I think others like to watch me grow, even if it’s through an embarrassingly amount of over-sharing. I’m either pretty self-absorbed or you’re all voyeurs – I’m not sure which.
Some posts carry more of a message than others, obviously. And some posts get a greater response than others, but I write them all with the same intention and the same amount of vulnerability.
Becoming Better
I write in order to become a better person for the people I love. Most of the time as I write, I make discoveries about myself. The change I create is often within me, but if a few people are also inspired to make a change, that would make me happy. I’m searching for peace through my writing and hopefully, by the time accept-ability sees its final post, I will be at peace – I will have evolved.
I hope that by reading my blog, you too will become better. I hope you will reflect on your own behavior and see that all of our actions affect others. And I hope you will realize that showing acceptance to the LGBTQIA+ community takes more than just saying “I don’t care what you do in your personal life.”
Sharing is how we become aware of how others feel and how we learn from one another. It is how we become better humans.
Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.
Maya Angelou
Creating Inclusion
Inclusion is one of the most important, if not the most important reason I write. I want people to feel that they are not alone in their anxiety, obsession, emotional and dramatic thoughts. And I come to you without judgement. Life sucks sometimes. I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. If you think you don’t belong in this world, I’ve been there.
In my post called The Sensitive One, I mentioned how Anne Lamott said she was “born extremely sensitive.” When I first read that line, I instantly felt a sense of belonging. That’s the kind of feeling I want to create in you. I have a lot of thoughts about not belonging in this world. It has been scary to admit and scary to write about, but I hope that by me sharing, I have made others feel a sense of belonging.
The Goods
I don’t necessarily think of myself as a “good writer,” but I think I have something to say and I believe that, in itself makes for a good writer. I know basic grammar but I rely heavily on the dictionary and thesaurus sites, so clearly I’m no English professor. I am also my own editor which can make it hard to catch mistakes.
I think a person’s writing ability is relative. It depends on who you’re comparing me to. For instance, some writers would never end a sentence in a preposition like I just did or start a sentence with the word “and.” Real writers probably don’t think of blogging as legitimate either.
Writing is just something I enjoy and something I’m driven to do. My writing has been called “good.” So has my mountain biking ability, which I think is hilarious. I’ll take more credit for my writing skills than I will for my mountain biking skills.
Considering the Critics
I didn’t start this blog in order to receive a specific response, but of course I’ve had a handful of people respond over the last couple of years. I’ve received a lot of positive comments, a few questions, a lot of silence and a small amount of outrage. It’s all valid and I take all of it into consideration as I write. It’s also great practice for me in the area of not giving a fuck what people think.
Here’s what my practice looks like: it looks like not counting the “likes” or comments on my posts; it looks like continuing to write, even as some readers are clearly uncomfortable with what I have to say; it looks like stating my truth.
Let’s talk about my critics for a moment – because I know who you are. It’s true that sometimes I am speaking directly to you, but most of the time, I write about how people like you make people like me feel. Ultimately, it’s up to you how you receive my message. My hope is that you too will be accountable and kind. I hope you will reflect on your behavior, instead of lashing out. I hope you will reach out to me to have a productive conversation about your outrage.
I am aware of the risks that come with all of my ranting and recourse. And I’m sure there are at least a few of you who read my blogs and think, “at least I’m not as bananas as she is.” Go ahead and roll your eyes at me, I can handle it, because to quote Gwen Stefani, “this shit is bananas.”
The real assholes out there probably think I deserve all of the abandonment I’ve experienced. Well that’s just horse shit – and a serious mean girl mentality. Check yourself, please.
I’m still not afraid of the assholes. I’ve had my fair share of them. The challenge for me is not to allow my ego or arrogance to dictate my writing. I need to keep in mind that others are affected by my words, while still remaining honest, accountable, kind and empathetic.
Assholes have feelings too.
Tara Gaffney
It’s Personal
Ultimately, writing is about making personal breakthroughs. I can be going along, writing about some scathing thing someone has done or said to me, and I’ll suddenly realize I’ve done the very same thing. Or I’ll start writing about a fairly benign topic, simply trying to set the stage for something bigger, and I’ll be overcome with emotion as I realize how much I miss my old life.
If writing has done nothing for my reputation and popularity, it has done an enormous amount for my humility and personal growth. Putting my shit down on paper creates an interesting reflection. It can be like looking in the mirror – even if sometimes it’s the black mirror. Cue evil music.
Look, I’m not trying to upset anyone with my self-expression or stories of personal growth. My blog is how I free myself from the thumb and how I call out behavior that I disagree with. It’s how I challenge myself and how I challenge you. Mostly, it’s how I remain true to ME.
My Jam
Sometimes I imagine I’m a rapper and this blog is my jam. My jeans are belted around my thighs and I’m holding a gold microphone in my hand. I rap my story on stage while heads are nodding in the audience. Instead of a Twitter account with 280 characters at a time, I’m like yo, here’s 3,000.
Don’t worry (or do), but I still have more to say. You see, my words come most easily when I have unresolved feelings – and as much as I try to resolve my shit, it seems that I keep hitting road blocks.
It’s when I am haunted by these unresolved feelings that I am most motivated to write about them. A productive, resolute conversation will usually prevent me from writing about it. So hey, let’s talk.
Stick around and I promise, you will see accept-ability grow. You will see me grow and I hope you see yourself grow too. The possibilities are endless, but just remember that I’m in charge of what I share – because if I become slave to pleasing the readers and worrying about those of you who try to control the commentary, I will have defeated the purpose of this blog for me – and I will have crawled back under the thumb.
This blog is my song. Thank you for listening to me sing.
Tara Gaffney